Lessons in Subtext and Heartache
by darkangel-silvermoon
Summary: My take on the final scenes of 'Entropy." (Spoilers) Derek will always be there for Spencer in whatever capacity Spencer needs. *pre-slash*
1. Of Subtext and Missed Opportunities

_**So...it's been a very long while. I feel out of place here, but I got dragged back into this pairing. I miss being excited about Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan. I miss...this. And hopefully there are still shippers who believe in Sperek. So...just a warning this is a slight spoiler for season 11 epi 11 "Entropy." And slightly pre-slash if you squint. (A few lines borrowed from the episode) I own nothing.**_

 _ **As always Reid review and enjoy. :)**_

/

Your mind buzzes as Garcia stumbles back inside, Savannah following closely. You try to hold on to the buzz of laughter swimming through your veins as you turn back to Reid.

You try to joke but your stomach sinks at the look on Spencer's face. He just wants to go home but you don't want to let him go just yet.

"Hey kid, can I tell you something?" Your thoughts tumble as you try to sort yourself out.

"Yeah." He gives you that tired smile and you can't help but pull him into a hug. Spencer relaxes into your touch and your heart cracks just a little bit more.

Even after all these years it still feels as though the rug has been pulled from your feet. When the kid hurts, you hurt as well.

He presses his face into your shoulder, and you just hold him.

"I just uh-" The words are caught in the back of your throat. Your body aches as you put everything you have into this embrace hoping that he understands.

"Yeah."

It's not enough. You want to tell him so bad how much he's come to mean to you. How lost you'd be if something happened to him. How much you lov-

You beat that feeling back. It's not the time and you're pretty sure Reid wouldn't appreciate that sentiment right now.

"You know?"

"I know. I know." Spencer wraps his arms around you and squeezes hard.

"Good- cuz I mean it."

Spencer pulls away and you let him go.

If you were a stronger man you would tell him to stay; hold him close and make him understand you won't leave him. That you're with him until the end.

The only thing that comes to mind is ''see you tomorrow,'' and you want to kick yourself because it's not enough. It's never enough.

You feel hollow as you watch Spencer slip away.

/

 _ **A/n: Thank you for your time. Let me know what you think...it's all appreciated.**_


	2. Of Subtext and Elephants in the Room

**'Oly space balls, I'm so freaking rusty. But its done. Chapter 2. Switches to Spencer's pov, so hopefully I don't confuse you lovelies. Once again, don't own nothing. Um… spoilers for season11 epi 11, "Entropy." Just hope you guys read, enjoy, and if you're up to it, let me know what you think. (I don't bite ) Any and everything's appreciated. Thank you for your time.**

/

Baths don't solve everything, but you try anyway. Steam curls around your ears as you attempt to quiet your mind. You bathe; limbs heavy as you run the soapy cloth along your skin. After you've rinsed yourself you let yourself sink deeper into the claw foot tub, staring at the blue tiles on the ceiling until they blur into one big blob.

You stay in the tub until gooseflesh forms along you skin. Your thoughts ping against your skull as you climb out the tub, limbs weary.

It's a struggle to put on your pajama bottoms. You pull Derek's Red Sox hoodie over your head, your fingers tugging slightly at your hair as you try to right it.

Not ready for bed yet you make your way to the living room. Curling up on the couch you sit in silence, watching shadows creep along the wall.

You think about your mother and what it implies for you.

You think about your team. The family you never had.

You think about Derek and how supportive he is.

You think of subtext and elephants in the room.

You think of missed chances and regret.

You think it's a shame. Not to remember someone.

Anger and sadness well up inside.

There's a click of your lock, the door slowly opening.

"Maybe I should take that back." You nod at the key. Derek lets out a huff of laughter as he turns to lock the door again, toeing his shoes off at the door, hanging his coat on a chair in the kitchen.

You hold your hand out for the key, small smile playing on your lips. And he laughs. Giving you that look.

That sad look, like he sincerely wants to take your hurt away if he knew how. Like he'd heft you problems on his shoulders and take you with him if he could.

You kinda don't want that look.

Why does it always end up like this?

You feel like you're going to bubble over.

Derek asks if he can sit down.

You nod, and he sinks down into the cushion next to you, hands rubbing circles into his thighs; like they're itching to touch you.

You're not a fan of being touched.. usually.

Thankfully he doesn't ask how you're doing. Instead you sit there in silence, outside traffic occasionally swishing by.

You ask him why he's not at home with Savannah, helping to look after Garcia. Penelope needs him more than you.

He tells you Savannah has Penelope, that she's in good hands. He tells you he just didn't want you to be alone tonight.

And that hits a sore spot.

You don't mean to, but heat pricks the corner of your eyes regardless.

Your body betrays you, trembling as silent sobs wrack your frame.

"Come here, kid." Derek whispers, holding his arms out.

You press yourself into Derek, his arms wrapping around you tight.

You dig your fingers into the soft fabric of Derek's T-shirt, burrowing your face in the crook of Derek's neck.

"Shh...its ok Pretty boy, just let it go. Let it out." Derek murmurs in your fevered skin.

You sag against Derek, letting yourself get lost in the gentle sway of your bodies. A chill runs through you as Derek slowly runs his fingertips against each knob of your spine, up and down in measured time. You focus on the feather light touch, letting your mind calm itself.

Its as a weight gives off your chest; sobs trickle down to puffs of breath against Derek's neck. You slump against Derek, letting the older man bear your weight.

Eventually Derek nudges you, pulling you off the couch. Your body protests as you stand. Derek wraps a steady arm around your waist, and you both shuffle to your bedroom.

He turns down the covers and lets you get in. He turns on the bedside lamp, making his way to the other side of the bed.

He sits on the edge, tugging off his socks.

One of your biggest pet peeves is socks in bed.

You turn on your side, curling up as Derek slides under the covers as well.

Your eyes flick over his face as he raises his brow. You shake your head, burrowing you face into the pillow.

Derek brushes his thumb against your jaw, fingers dragging over your stubble as you force yourself to focus on him again.

"I just want you to know I'll always be here for you. In whatever capacity you need, I'm here okay." Derek's voice is rough.

Your eyes shine. You refuse to get emotional about this again.

"I mean it Pretty Boy." Derek's voice goes quiet. "No need to be embarrassed. I got you, you know that right?"

You know.

Your throat is tight as you squeak out the words. "I know."

His hand finds yours and calloused fingers entwine with smooth ones.

He's a constant, and you couldn't be more grateful.

/

 **A/N: So…chapter three is a possibility. I know you guys have better things to do, so everything is appreciated. Thank you for your time.**


	3. Of Subtext and Pathogens

**I'm like an unsub… shorter times in between chapters. : )**

 **So trying to plan out an endgame. And im trying "banter." I own nothing. If I did half of the cm fandom would HUNT ME DOWN for all the Sperek (moreid?) love on the screen. As always lovelies, please read, enjoy and let me know what you think. I don't bite. : )**

 **/**

 **You stare at the ceiling most of the night, the bedside lamp throwing shadows through the room. Spencer lays on his side, hand loosely curled in yours. With everything going on with Spencer, you realize that you've got to tell him everything.**

 **What if something happened to one of you? Not even that. What if anything happened to him, what in the hell would you do then? You don't see how you'd recover.**

 **You think of your parents. How they showed each other they loved each other. How often they said they loved each other. Even when their marriage was looked down upon, something taboo and shameful, they stuck with each other. And that's what you want. That's what you've been holding out for. And maybe you can find that love with Spencer.**

 **Your stomach is in knots as you feel yourself finally drift off to sleep.**

 **/**

 **You feel something heavy and warm half lying on top you. Or rather someone.**

 **You crack your eye open to find Spencer's limbs flung across you, nothing but dead weight. He always manages to do this.**

 **You could used to waking up next to him.**

 **"You Muppet." You nudge Spencer and he grumbles, snuggling closer to you.**

 **"C'mon Kid, get up. I gotta go." You try to scoot from under him. He whines, and you see his nose scrunch up on protest.**

 **"Stay." He says before letting out a yawn.**

 **"Reid." You warn. He slits his eyes at you and sticks out his tongue.**

 **You know how to get him to move.**

 **You scoot over and lick the tip of his nose.**

 **"EW! THAT'S DISGUSTING." Spencer pops up and scoots away from you. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PATHOGENS ARE IN SALIVA?" He shrieks.**

 **You laugh as you roll out of bed, shuffling to the bathroom.**

 **When you get back, Spencer's got his legs drawn up, resting his head on his knees. He scowls you for a moment, you sit next to him.**

 **"Thanks for staying." He says, eyes watering.**

 **Your stomach flips as he lays his head on your shoulder.**

 **"Don't mention it Pretty Boy." You snake your arm around his waist, pulling into a side hug.**

 **He snorts, running his fingers in his nest of hair.**

 **"'m not a pretty boy this early. And without coffee…forget it."**

 **"Yeah you're right." You joke. He rolls his eyes.**

 **"I'm just kind of scared you know? What good is a big brain if you start forgetting the people you care about." He shrugs. "I'm a walking cliché. I'm always getting hurt. My dad left me. My mom is mentally ill and I have the genetic disposition for those same illnesses. Oh did I mention the headaches and the drugs? Yeah. Everyone who gets close to me leaves or dies. I mean, without my mom and you guys on the team, I'm alone." His voice is small.**

 **You reach over, grab his hand and squeeze.**

 **" You don't have to go it alone you know. You have us. You've got me. And I'm not going anywhere unless you make me. And even if you try, I'm still not going." You make sure to look him in the eye. He nods.**

 **"Okay." He gives you a small smile; you smile back.**

 **You sit there in silence, trying to find the right way to tell him the truth.**

 **"Reid, I gotta be honest with you…" Your body buzzes with nerves.**

 **"Yeah?" He sits up straight, mirroring your stiff posture.**

 **" I think I'm—" You're jolted by Spencer's blaring alarm. He jumps, scrambling to turn it off.**

 **" You were saying?" He finally turns back to you, but you've lost your nerve.**

 **" Nuthing Reid… time to get ready for work." You shake your head. You get off the bed, making your way to his closet.**

 **"My clothes still here from the last time?" You ask. He nods, brow crinkled in thought.**

 **You should tell him one day. But today is not the day.**

 **/**

 **A/N: I just rewatched Derailed and Popular Kids. In Derailed especially, Morgan has feelings for Reid. He doesn't know it yet, but he is in love :)**

 **I may have two more chapters left in me. They're in the planning stages. As always thank you lovelies for all the feedback and the time.**


	4. Of Subtext and Coffee Runs

**So…finally done with this chapter. And ready for bed. : ) I've been agonizing over this chapter for days. I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think. As always r/r/e.**

You stare at the coffee he places on your desk, and without a word he walks away.

He's kind of driving you nuts.

You're not the brightest crayon in the crayon box when it comes to social cues; you readily acknowledge this.

Its been a couple of days since Kat and the Dirty Dozen takedown; Derek has called you Pretty Boy seven times since. Not his record, but still.

All the touches, and the way he looks at you when he thinks you don't see…

It kind of adds up, but its more than you can hope for.

Maybe a different perspective could help right now.

"JJ, can I talk to you for a moment?" You ask as she passes by your desk.

"Yeah what's up Spence?" She gives you a smile as you purse your lips together.

You shake your head, as nod toward the break room. She raises her brows before following towards the office.

You shut the door as soon as she steps inside.

"What's this all about, Spencer?"

Goodness, she sounds like a big sister right now.

"What would you assume if someone gave you a term of endearment and the ln proceeds to continually call you such. Finds reason to touch you, buys you coffee and remembers exactly how you take it. And the way they look at you when they think you're not aware…" The words seem to pour from you as you pace the break room. J.J. has a grin plastered on her face.

"It's Derek isn't it?" She looks back she's holding back giggles. You groan, hiding your face in your hands. You can frickin feel the blush creeping up your face.

"Yes. And I don't know if it just Morgan being Morgan… or if he's really interested in me." It's like poking your tongue in the empty space of a newly lost tooth when you finally say it out loud.

"Well, if you've got that vibe that he'd be interested in dating you…why not go for it?"Jayje thinks she's being helpful, but its just opening a can of jitters and nerves.

"Because I don't do well with 'vibes.' I'd rather not have my block knocked off because I'm reading him wrong"—

"Derek wouldn't harm you because of that."

"But he could very well terminate our friendship. And where would that leave me? Heartbroken, without one of my best friends, and in an awkward work environment. Is it really worth it? I think I should keep my big mouth shut for once."

"This is the same guy you swore hated you when you first met…and look at you two now. Thick as thieves. There's a strong possibility he likes you back."

"J.J., we're not in grade school. This is just a stupid crush I have. It'll work itself out eventually…right?" A thirty-one year old man should not be thinking about crushes.

"How long have you had feelings for him?"

"A while." You supply vaguely, she shakes her head. You know down to the day when hit you that your feelings had changed, but somethings should be kept to yourself.

"Its up to you, but I've got the feeling that Derek doesn't know that you have feelings for him. And if he's _really_ flirting with you, maybe he's ready to take your relationship to the next step. But you won't know until you talk to him."

"Alright, I'll talk to him. But if he laughs in my face, I blame you." You pout.

"Spence, give Derek the benefit of the doubt. He just might surprise you." She shifts over to you and gives you a hug. You hug her back.

"Thanks for listening to my prattle." You murmur.

"Anytime Spencer." She squeezes tight before letting you go.

She leaves you alone in the room with your thoughts.

/

After a day of post-case paperwork and catching up on files, one by one the team leaves for home.

You feel a warm hand on your shoulder.

"Hey Kid. I'll give you a ride home if you want." You look up to find Derek by your side.

He looks…nervous.

Kind of a weird look on him.

You take him up on his offer, stuffing some files in your satchel to work on at home.

"Can we go to this coffee shop down the street. My treat?" You ask.

Derek sighs in mock exasperation.

"Sure Reid." He drawls, as he throws his arm around your shoulders. He smiles bright as you lean into his touch.

/

You scoot into the booth, taking the seat opposite of Morgan. The coffee shop is not too crowded, as people meet after work or school.

You try and think of the best way of approaching this. Your stomach in knots as you take your first drink of coffee.

You feel Derek nudge you with his foot and you startle.

"You got your thinky face on. Come on Reid, spit it out." Derek prods as he goes for a sip of his coffee.

37.8% couples meet at work.

40% of people dating start off as friends first.

You pick at the label of your coffee cup.

You and Derek could be really good together.

Band-Aid approach it is then.

"It has come to my attention that you have…um, been flirting with me. I just need it to be clarified. Are you just being Derek Morgan, world class flirt or Derek—my best friend who maybe wants to be more than friends?"

He chokes on his coffee, eyes wide.

There's no backtracking out of this one.

Damn, he's looking guilty as hell.

"Well, that all depends…" he stalls, clearing his throat. "What if I said yes. I'm Derek, attempting to flirt with my certified genius of a best friend in hopes that we can be more than friends?"

"Even with all the crap that's going on in my life. With all the uncertainty?"

"Yeah, even with all the crap and uncertainty. I've told you time and time again, I'll always have your back, no matter what."

Derek's eyes go wide.

"Shit. Please tell me I'm not making a fool of myself, Kid." He squeezes his eyes shut. It's unsettling to see Derek doubt himself. "I'm no good at this, and you don't"-

"Derek." You try to cut his line of thought off. His eyes squeeze tighter still; his hand that rests on the table balls into a fist.

"Derek. I like you too, in case you were worried about that." You say, placing your hand on top his. Derek relaxes, looking up at you in awe.

" You do?" he laughs in disbelief.

You crack the biggest smile.

"Do you think I would drag you all the way over here just to reject you?" You sigh.

" I thought between the two of us, you were 'people smart,' Derek."

"Not as smart as I claim to be." He shakes his head, entwining his fingers with yours.

"So you'd be up to movie nights and dates and things like that?"

You nod.

"And hugs and kisses and embarrassing pet names like 'pretty boy' and"—

"Morgan, we do all that anyway…well not the kisses. But I'd be up for that." You laugh. Derek leans across the table and presses a kiss to your forehead. You face heats up as blush travels to your cheeks.

"So…when did you realize you had feelings for me?" You ask.

"When Doctor Bryar held Elle hostage on the train in Texas… that's when I kind of knew something was up then. The first time I thought I could loose you." Derek confesses.

"Slessman's room…going through those cd cases. I knew I had an odd…affection for you, and it grew from there." You toy with your empty coffee cup.

Eleven years, you two have been skirting around each other.

A thought stops you cold.

"What about Savanna?" you whisper. Your stomach drops and your heartbeat is in your ears.

Derek takes a shaky breathes before looking at you.

" I um… I talked to her the past couple of days about this…she's not happy about it but she was…understanding. She told me she had a feeling I liked you more than I let on. And of course she was right. I just didn't want to admit it."Derek lets out a shuttering breath.

It's kind of uncomfortable to hear, and you feel sympathy for Savanna and Derek.

"So we're good?" Derek finally looks up again. You nod.

"Yeah we're good. So now you can let your theoretically possible boyfriend clear the check and take him to his apartment so you both can let all this sink in." You try to joke.

Derek laughs, smile brightening his face.

"I think you can drop the possible and make that a probable. I'm your theoretically probable boyfriend." Derek gives your hand another squeeze.

You wouldn't have it any other way.

 **A/n: Whenever I write a pre slash story, it's always Derek making the first move. And this time I wanted Spencer to beat him to the punch. Hopefully this turned out OK. Let me know what you you for your time. Everything's appreciated.**


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